One Drop In An Endless Ocean.
are numb. I have always hated wearing high heels. So I took them off
,somewhere ,back along the path and just left them there. I prefer to
be barefooted. Beside what does it matter if I lose all the feeling
in my feet, it just makes them a match for the rest of me. I’ve been
feeling numb for days. At times I don’t even feel like gravity has me
tethered any more. I’ve disconnected. In my mind, I had convinced
myself that coming back here to this place would make me feel better.
That I would smell the salt and feel the sand and the world would be
put back together again. That I would find a part of him still here.
Waiting for me on our beach.
beach is where Jimmy had brought me on our first date. The only sandy
spot on a coastline made of rocks. We went skinny dipping under a
full moon, revelling in the freedom. The water made us connect in a
way dinner and a movie never could have. Jimmy called me his Ondine
and promised to love me always. A promise he couldn’t keep.
the place where he proposed, at dawn, with a picnic breakfast made up
of vanilla crowns and apple juice from the 24hour supermarket. And it
was here on this beach that we made love for the first time. For
about a month afterwards we were still finding sand in our clothing,
each grain giving us an excuse for a re-enactment. It always makes me
smile, remembering . I guess its the first time I’ve smiled since
they told me the news
through Jimmy’s wake people had flocked around me. They all wanted to
be the first to tell me how proud I must be. How comforted I should
feel knowing he had died a hero. A committee of vultures looking to
scavenge some second hand glory for themselves. To claim a share of
his heroism by association. All I wanted to do was scream at them, I
don’t care, I wish the boy had drowned, I would rather have my
Jimmy here, as a living coward than dead as a hero! But
instead I nodded my head , shook the hands they offered and bit my
tongue. As soon as I could I had slipped away from
the feeding frenzy and made my way here.
thought I knew this place so well but standing here tonight
everything looks alien. The moonlight makes the shadows deeper, the
rocks more treacherous. Nothing has changed and yet the whole place
is different. This isn’t our place any more. The sea has taken that
from me as well.
now I’m standing here holding a handful of stones that I don’t even
remember picking up. Hurling them into the water. Hoping to make it
scream. Its what I need, its what I came here for. Vengeance.
Payback. I need to be able to hurt someone. Something to blame. To
make suffer the pain that I hadn’t realised I was feeling till now.
loved the sea. We both did. It was why we learned to surf. Why we
spent our holidays fixing up and sailing an old boat instead of going
somewhere sunny. It was why my Jimmy had devoted his life to rescuing
other people. All my life I heard people describe the sea as cold
and cruel but I always thought of it as a sanctuary. I never thought
it would turn on us, not on us.
there is nothing of Jimmy left in this world , then there is no
reason for me to be part of it either. I can’t keep it inside
anymore. I’m screaming and I don’t know how to stop. My body is
moving on autopilot, running to the water’s edge. My first few steps
into the water are a struggle, it is like there is something in the
water trying to push me back, but I won’t let it. This is my choice.
water is up to my waist now, but it feels different. It is no longer
cold. There is no more struggle. Its an embrace. The night has become
silent. I can’t scream anymore, I don’t need to scream anymore. I’m
crying but its cathartic. Each tear that hits the swirling sea is
reconnecting me to the world. And as I’m standing here, under the
moonlight, in these waves, beside this special place, I’m okay. Jimmy
is still here and the child I felt come to life inside me will help